right now I'm reading this awesome book by Courtney Joseph called Women Living Well, it's so well written and since she's a mom and goes through a lot of the same struggles I do, I really feel like I connect with her! I hope it continues to be a good book (I don't doubt it though!) I feel a little heavy right now, I've been sick lately and been trying to rest and I just feel like such a bad parent, I've let everything slip, devotions and skyler time and gym time, it wasn't even that bad! it's like I take any excuse I can and run with it and allow myself to be the worst that I can possibly be. great. I've had a word study approach to Bible study pop up all over my life and I just now decided that I should do one on selfishness or something, I'm tired of not being the person I should be for God, and more than that, I'm tired of not drawing close to God, I can feel he's not as near and I yearn for the nearness, but the pull of laziness and self indulgence just comes roaring to life, I need to deny myself, it's the best way!

back again

I wanted to update because I want to get back to journaling, purely for my own purposes and enjoyment, but bc of some things I've been going through, I thought this might be a good way to share my ordeals with friends and family and people going through similar things without having to add anyone I don't know on Facebook. well, more of that to come later! for now I want to sleep :)

Genesis 20-23

chapter 20: why in the world is abraham doing that sister thing again?? pharaoh already got on to him for it before, and now he's getting rewarded . . . ? so confused! if jack ever said i was his sister so another man wouldn't kill him to get me, i would be outraged! plus, he would never do that, i don't get it! going to read commentary on it. commentary says that he was wrong to do it and that his rebuke from an earthly heathen king was punishment.

chapter 22: seriously. this guy is so afraid of being killed that he says his wife is his sister, and then he doesn't even hesitate when God says to sacrifice his son. he seems to go up and down in his spiritually walk. it's actually encouraging, it's good to know that even abraham who walked with God and is one of the most well known Christians struggled in his walk. and as far as sacrificing his only child? breaks my heart to think of that, reading this story for the first time as a mom gives it all new meaning! i know that Skyler belongs to God but man, that is so hard to come to terms with!!

just saw that i never published this one, so it's out of order! hehe

right now i'm writing out the Bible and i'm on Genesis chapter 3, i started awhile ago but got distracted when i went down to GA, so i'm doing better now! anyway, as i write chapter 3 it makes me think about how people tend to think that if there was a God then bad things shouldn't happen, but when they are informed that it's b/c of sin, then they think that people shouldn't be punished for what "two stupid people did a LONG time ago" well, when you look at what the serpent said to Eve, ⁴ “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman.⁵ “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God,  knowing good and evil.” it makes me think about how we all are, we think we know better than God because we don't want to trust HIS will for our lives, or HIS definition of good and evil, every single one of us would have eaten the fruit because every single one of us thinks we know best in all areas of our life. talk about taking up your cross daily, i think that should be secondly . . . every second of every day is a struggle to try to push ourselves down to let Christ live through us, and it's hard! anyway, those were just my thought for chapter 3! :)

what to do

i need a magic 8 ball. not just one of the toy ones, like a real one that will just tell me what to do when i shake it. wouldn't that be nice?? i think the only thing i know to do at this point is to lean on  God, i may not have all the answers and i may not know what to do, all i can do it take things one day at a time and make sure that my relationship with God is on track and that i'm doing what's best for that. jack refuses to go to one sunday school and i refuse to go to the other, now we're at an impasse and i just don't know what to do. i know what i want to do, i would love to get away for a few weeks and just have some time to reconnect with God and with myself, i feel like he hates me and i just don't know what to do about it. life stinks right now, i am closer to God than i normally am, maybe this is just a trial to make me stronger, so i should just grow closer to God and let jack take care of himself for a bit.

so behind

so so so behind! jack took the monitor cord for a bit, so i was already behind, and then i just kept feeling overwhelmed! i need to catch up soon! i am doing a Bible study on James, so that replaced my devotions for that week, now i just need to read again! my next goal will be to write the Bible out! :)

annoyed

i've been really bugged by this whole epicurean lifestyle we all seem to live. i get so annoyed with myself because i want to live a life that Christ would approve of, but all i can seem to do is focus on myself and my family and things. i'm starting a study on James and i'm hoping i can figure out what i'm doing wrong. i'm trying to take up my cross daily and follow Christ, but i can't seem to "get around" to my devotions until later and by that time i've lived half my day without fully focusing on God, which makes me guilty and irritable :) not the intended goal i'm sure! anyway, everyone wants to eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we may die. i know the important things in life and i try to focus on them, but in focusing on them i end up with strange goals. right now my goal seems to be "i want to make my daughter have the perfect wardrobe and room and stuff" so not the point! my REAL focus is on family stuff! but i lose my general focus on having a healthy, happy, God centered family and focus on the things that i think will make skyler happy! (as a kid i didn't feel like there were enough pictures of me and my life) so naturally everything has to be perfect so i can take pictures of it and then show her later in life. now i still believe that is important b/c i know she'll enjoy looking through photos, but maybe not to the degree i think it should be! i really want my life to be a reflection of Christ. i want to wake up each morning with praise for Him on my lips and a song in my heart for HIM! skyler doesn't wake up until 8 or 9 most days and i could EASILY get up and read my Bible then, but i choose sleep every morning! (mostly b/c i don't sleep well at night, but i've never slept well or needed much sleep, so why can't i do it? no idea!)  my goal is to get up and begin my day praising God, i want my life to be in full servitude of Christ, i know that as a mother i'm supposed to raise my kids in a Godly home and that that is my job now, it's just so easy to focus on the fact that i could be doing other stuff, like taking care of other people, but i need to focus on my walk with God and then Skyler's and then other people, my household is more important right now. i have been majorly slacking lately, i'd rather watch tv or read then work on things with skyler, like "where's your nose?" granted, she is only just now answering one or two things, but i need to work with her daily to hone those little baby skills! i feel like such a bad mom! hopefully this new Bible study and accountability will allow me to change for her. the main goal needs to be to deny myself daily, pick up my cross and follow HIM! ok, i think i'm done venting!